I’d like to take a moment to give an open apology to the friends I’ve lost.

To the friends whom I haven’t messaged back, to the friends who I said I’d make plans with but didn’t follow through. To the friends whose lives I’ve seemingly dropped out of.

It’s a weird thing depression and what it does to your relationships. You see the thing is, I want to message you back, I want to see you, I want to have your presence back in my life but for some inexplicable reason, I can’t. And I’ll apologize profusely when we do meet or when we painfully bump into each other but I know I’ve hurt you and no amount of my apologizing can alleviate that. But nonetheless I’m sorry, please forgive me, please allow me back into your life. If there’s one thing that I hold to a high premium in my life is my friendships, and it hurts for me to know I’ve allowed this.

You see for me friends are the crux of my recovery–the most powerful relationships I’ve had in this journey who keep me going. They are the ones who give me purpose, who remind me who I am on my most difficult of days when I just don’t want to get out of bed. On the days I feel the lowest there is some voice in my head that tells me it’s okay, there is someone you can rely on to listen and be your motivation when you can’t be. Please know how important to me you all are.

And to the friends I’ve managed to keep, who have stuck around, who keep me afloat when I’m drowning in my own tears at a library at school, thank you so much.

I’m trying to become stronger and be a better version of myself so I can be a better friend to you. I’m trying to rebuild friendships that I’ve been negligent with. But please know how much you mean to me, I treasure you so much.

By Bhani Wadhwa