We broke up
And whoever I was became very broken too
A kind of confusing and paralyzing broken
A kind of broken that didn’t seem fair
Not into chunks, but into shards
Like when you broke that nice plate that grandma gave mom
The one that made her cry when she saw it across the floor
Like that
And they all expect me to put it back together
Put me back together
To rebuild something that I can’t remember the shape of
Or what it looks like
A person has so many edges
And it’s been so long since it was only me
One day you wake up and half of you is gone
And you’re hobbling around on one leg like you’ve never had to do before
Trying to pick up the pieces with one arm
Trying to make them stay with nothing to hold them
Watching with frustrated, furious tears as the pieces keep falling off
Like when you tried to glue that plate back together
Because your mother crying is a special kind of ache
But you kept trying
Trying to make something wonderful with nothing
Nothing but the vague memory of who you’d been so long before you built who you were
How the little blue design weaved around the edge of that plate
Because you were a part of me
The part that I leaned on when I was breaking
Even when you were the one breaking me
Even when the dysfunction and pain broke me
I was never so broken as I was when you left
And it hurts
My heart hurts
My chest and my lungs and my soul hurt
And I feel like some kind of freak
Like a haphazard being
But if there is one thing I’ve learned
From broken plates
Is that you can never put it back the way it was
And you can’t hide it from your mom
And that the best thing to do is to acknowledge that it happened
And let it happen
And make something new
Something that maybe isn’t at all better than what you had before
But is there where the shards were
And maybe your mom will kind of like the glue marks on that plate you broke
And she’ll appreciate the effort that you put into making it be okay again
Maybe the glue and outlines of jagged shards become a part of it
A special part of it
I refuse to believe that plate will be stronger
It will probably have horrible trust issues
But it will be whole
And it will be unique
And it will be okay
By Alexa Jane Battler
