Face to Face: The Authentic Self

The following is an anonymous friend’s account of their personal struggles in life:

I grew up in a Catholic family. I didn’t always know who I was, and even when I understood parts of myself, I was not aware of what it all really meant. My first awareness of it came from the movie Legally Blonde, when a side character was revealed to be gay. I didn’t think much of it. However, my first indication that this could be problematic within my faith and family came when I read a bible passage in Leviticus, which said something along the lines of, “man shall not lie with man because it is abomination”. I tried not to focus too much on this, but eventually, when my parents discovered my internet search history, they insisted that I be a good Christian boy. I agreed, but only to appease them, and continued my extracurricular activities on the internet. When the time came, I left to the United States to pursue my postsecondary education. In this new space, I felt more comfortable with myself. For the first time, I could openly express my sexuality. I immersed myself into this new world and made friends that became my chosen family.

My friends accepted me for who I was, and that’s when I finally admitted to myself and my friends out loud that – I was gay.

Things came to a head when I went back home for the holidays in 2015. My sister discovered my sexuality and outed me to my parents. I don’t remember the details well, but we ended up having an argument about it being against the natural order. My mother claimed that she was responsible for my spiritual purity, and she would be held responsible for my sins in front of God after she dies. I tried to interject with the knowledge I had – I told them the bible verses condemning gay people were more about lustful people, hedonism, and inhospitality. I didn’t have too much theological knowledge, though, so it was a losing battle. They begged me to stay away from this sin, so eventually I agreed to do so. –

 I went back to the United States to complete my education, but I had trouble doing so. I started missing class and stayed in watching TV all day long. I felt numb. I began to realize that I could never truly be myself around my family. There would always exist a wall between us. I was thankful that they continued to support me financially, but I constantly felt anxious knowing that I was betraying them. Not being able to trust the people closest to me perpetuated my decline in my academic performance. I started missing deadlines, I didn’t bother writing my assignments, and I continued missing class.

My friends pushed me to seek counseling, which I did. It did help; things kind of settled down – at least until my parents came for my graduation, when they continued to make subtle suggestions that I should get married. That’s when it hit me: they were in complete denial about my sexuality. They preferred to pretend that I was straight than just quietly let me be myself. I value the truth a lot, so for me, their denial was the worst thing imaginable, especially after all the anguish I’d been through. I was never suicidal, but now I live with this knowledge that my family will never accept me. It’s their faith versus me, and I don’t think I could ever win that.

It’s their faith versus me, and I don’t think I could ever win that.

This battle weighs me down, and I constantly worry about what I can share with them versus what parts of me I need to conceal diligently.

So here I am now. Luckily, I have never experienced self-hatred, because I value staying true to myself. I prioritize that over my faith. I also believe that pain is validating. I’m glad to have a struggle, because I’m conscious of my economic privilege, and I know that my education is a luxury. So, having this struggle, in a way, validates my existence. I can say, my life isn’t easy as well. I’m wary of cracking my family’s house of denial, because all I have is my family, but my experiences have made me aware of the imperfections in the world and the need for social justice, empathy, knowledge, and solidarity. 

Ultimately, I’ve learnt that my sexuality doesn’t define me, it is an aspect of myself just like the colour of my hair.

I would love for my family to believe this one day as well, but for now, I appreciate the privileges I have, and I live in the moment  – whatever happens, with my family or in my personal life, is in the unknown future, and not a concern for the present.

This article is a “Face to Face” feature, an online Arts and Life event that allows young writers to spotlight the people in their lives that they want to share with the world. 

Check out all of the posts in this series at: https://home.blnkpage.org/category/artslife/

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Please note that opinions expressed are the author’s own. They do not necessarily reflect the views and values of The Blank Page.