Face to Face: The Resilient

Jaivika suffered through mild anorexia nervosa when she was only 14 years old in New Delhi, India. This story about her experience with anorexia is written from her perspective, by her best friend.

 Month 1

“Auntie, no no, I can only eat roti with no ghee for dinner at 7PM. I’m on this new diet to lose some fat. I’m trying to restrict carbs,” says Aisha, my cousin, to my mom.

“Beta, I’ve made this very healthy, chup chap khana kha lo,” says my mom.

I looked down at my stomach munching on my chocolate caramel brownie. I’d just moved into a new neighbourhood and left all my old friends behind. I was attached to my friends. I miss them. I want to go back.

“Di, how are you going to not eat any carbs all day?” I asked.

“Jaivi, it’s called weight loss, look at all the fat I’ve gathered,” she responds, pointing to her stomach.

“There is no fat, oh my god, kids these days,” says my mom.

I grab another brownie from the fridge and nibble on it. I don’t know what any of this means. I touch my stomach and pinch it. There is a flab of fat between my fingers.

“Jaivika, enough brownies haan, you’re growing a little healthy,” says my mom.

“Okay mumma, yes, sorry,” I mumble.

I suck my stomach in and walk back to my room from the kitchen. I pull out my secret stash of candy from under my bed and break down crying. I cannot get my old friends out of my head. I have no one here in this new neighbourhood, no one to play with or have fun with. My tears dry on my face when I grab my Macbook from my desk. I move my neck down and notice my floppy double chin. I pinch it lightly and grab a small flab of fat under my saggy jaw.

I search ‘how to lose weight’ on Google. It hits about a million results. Cut carbs. Eat more protein. Exercise more. Lift weights. Reduce calories. Drink caffeine, green tea after dinner is best. I write a list of all the things I need to do to look thin, or hot, in my diary.

The next day, I go to my new school. There’s already cliques of girls formed and I need to decide who I’m going to be friends with.

“This is a huge decision,” I think, “I need to be with the in crowd.”

I glance and notice a group of shy girls discussing notes and a group of pretty girls boasting about their new diets. I approach the group of the thin and pretty-looking girls and overhear their conversation.

“Guys, oh my god, I got on this ketodiet thing where I only eat fat and nothing else so my body burns all the fat with ketones. I lost like 10 pounds in a month,” one girl says.

“Arrreee, you need to lose some fat here,” one girl says pointing to another’s stomach.

         “Look, I’ve also become so chubby oh my god, how will I ever get that jawline,” says another girl.

“Yaaaa, start a ketodiet,” says the third girl.

I bite my lip, pinch my chubby cheeks, suck my stomach in, and approach the girls.

“Hi I’m Jaivika, guys. I heard you guys talking about how to lose chubbiness,” I say.

A girl with long black hair and a chiseled jawline pulls my cheeks.

“Awwwn, so cute, but ya babes, get on the ketodiet. We’re all on it. Let me add you to our weight-loss group app where we keep track of our weights. I’m Aanya, by the way,” she says.

 “Ya, it’ll help you lose that tummy fat too. And I’m Kavya,” another girl says.

“My username is jaivika_,” I say.

The school bell rings. We walk to the school bus together.

When I get home, I sit at the dining table and wait for my mom to serve me supper. She serves me freshly cooked roti with ghee. I rip a piece of my roti and use it to pick up a bite of the spicy potatoes.

“Mumma, ho gaya bas, I’m done,” I say.

“Beta, you only ate one roti. You normally eat 3,” says my mom.

“Bas mumma, I’m done,” I reply.

I carry my plate to the kitchen, put it in the sink and make myself green tea. I read online yesterday that it burns fat. That’s what Google said.

“I need to get myself into the routine of losing weight,” I think.

 Month 6

I sit with my friends Kavya and Aanya during lunch break in the cafeteria. I open my lunch box to see what my mom has packed for me.

“What do you have?” asks Aanya.

I open my lunch box and see roti and oily subzi, ugh.

“Ewwww, so oily, so many carbs, I thought you were on our new one-meal diet with us,” says Kavya.

“Yeah, of course I am, my mom’s just traditional you know,” I say.

I throw out my lunch. I buy a cup of green tea from the canteen and return to the cafeteria table.

When I go home that night, my mom asks me how lunch was.

“Good,” I reply.

I go to my room, complete my homework and do an hour of cardio. My mom calls me outside for dinner.

“Mumma, I’ll just have a sandwich,” I say.

“Beta, that’s too little. You need some food,” she says.

“MOM, I told you that I only want a sandwich, I don’t feel like eating,” I say.

She brings me a grilled chicken sandwich. I take one bite.

“It’s good, can I take the rest to my room? I have too much homework Ma,” I say.

“Beta, eat dinner with us, come on,” she says.

“Mama, nahi na, I need to study, I have exams,” I say and take the plate to my room.

I toss the sandwich in the garbage in my room. When everyone’s asleep, I tiptoe to the kitchen and warm some water on the stove to prepare myself a cup of green tea.

Month 8

         I’ve lost 10 pounds. I look in the mirror and smile. I look pale. My eyebags make me look more tired. I feel dizzy. I grab a hairbrush to comb my hair. I run it through my hair and a bunch of hair collects in my brush. I see another bunch of hair on the ground.

“My hair’s becoming so thin,” I think, “I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t want to eat anything.”

‘Losing weight, hair loss, dizzy, don’t want to eat’ – I write on google and hit enter. After about 30 minutes of reading, I realize the problem. I just want to be thin. I’m anorexic. I’m anorexic. How? I don’t know. When? I don’t know how this happened. I read about a story about a girl who didn’t eat a meal for 3 years and didn’t get her period for 2 of those years.

The next morning, I tell my mom that I’m not able to get hungry and that I feel weak. My dad takes me to the doctor. The doctor gives me appetite-enhancing medications. That is the day that I decided to try something new, to give my body whatever it needed. I go home and eat fries with cheese, just like I used to at my old house. I drink some green tea and pop a laxative after that. But, I’m proud I eat a meal.

Year 5

         “Broooo, do you know how many calories there are in the butter chicken you’re eating and the naan has too many carbs,” says my roommate.

         “I’m giving my body the fuel it needs, which is food,” I reply coolly.

I prepared myself a glass of green tea and began to write an analytical essay on body image disorders while munching on butter chicken and garlic naan with butter.

Drishti Thakkar

This article is a “Face to Face” feature, an online Arts and Life event that allows young writers to spotlight the people in their lives that they want to share with the world. 

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Please note that opinions expressed are the author’s own. They do not necessarily reflect the views and values of The Blank Page.